I now live in a very small community of tight-knit Swabians in Southern Germany. Swabians, I think I can honestly say are not very liked by other Germans. They are known to be cheap, gossipy, get up at the crack of dawn to militantly sweep their drive ways and shout curses at you for not doing the same. It is a conservative group of people with a small town superiority complex. Oh, and they're mostly farmers. This is not where I expected to end up after spending the last five years of my life in hippy Berkeley and merry San Francisco. It is very hard as a foreigner to accept being shoved on the bus by little old ladies and to be blatantly stared at by whole groups of them as if their parents never told them that staring was rude. Friendliness is not in their character and it's a very frustrating, boring existence for both me and my husband.
In the midst of this culture shock, that I am still battling 7 months later, I had to find a person to trust with the delivery of my child. We all know how I dislike German medical staff for their total lack of basic human decency towards their patients so I hope you can all empathize with the inner struggle I was going through - as well as the verbal and mental abuse I had to tolerate from these people. The first place I went to to interview the midwives was a clinic in downtown Stuttgart. After my first visit, I already knew this was not the place for me but I kept going there as I didn't know where else to turn. As things progressively got worse, I finally decided to meet with a woman who came recommended by a coworker. The first meeting went really smoothly as she came to our house and explained the procedures she usually follows for a homebirth. A few days later I felt like I needed to explain some more things to her that were important to me. I had been reading about the Bradley method (husband coached birth), Orgasmic Birth and Unassisted Birth. Due to experiences I had in my childhood, I was extremely important to me that she understand "her place" in my birthing experience. I wanted it to be clear that my husband was the main and most important person to me and that I didn't want her to take on that role or try to force him out at any point so she could get a better look or be more involved in the action. What I really wanted was privacy and space and to have this experience with my husband as we bring our baby into the world together. I wanted her to just be there in the background or wherever in our small apartment and just hang out and "be there" should I have any questions, fears or doubts. I wanted to be able to birth my baby, not have her deliver it.
What followed were some stressful emails and phone calls where I was called egotistical, closed off and unwilling to listen to information. It was a very stressful time of trying to explain the same thing over and over again but not feeling like I was being heard. I still feel that she has this idea that my husband and I are afraid of medicine, we're not. We're afraid of incompetent people and the poorly informed....
My last meeting with the midwife was yesterday where she left me some homeopathic remedies that are supposed to make me more "open to new information." When she left, she asked if it was ok to go through our library as we have about a dozen birthing books... I don't know what she means when she tells me I am closed minded and selfish. I feel that by reading as much as I do about as many natural birth methods I can find, that I am very open to options, positions and treatments. I think women who sign themselves up for a medicated birth in a hospital and just expect their baby to be delivered, are the closed off ones. Anyway, one of the last things she said to me kind of confused me... She said "You want an unassisted birth, in German we call that a homebirth (Hausgeburt)". At that point I felt like all the information I had sent her on what an unassisted birth is had fallen on deaf ears. No. A homebirth is when someone births at home with a midwife or other medically trained assistence. Unassisted birth is a form of homebirth where there is no medical staff present, period. From that definition alone, it should be clear that I do not want an unassisted birth. I want a private, customed tailored birth designed specifically for me by me where a midwife is present. I want and consume volumes of information on the subject and it is a mystery to me how she can tell me I am closed off to information. Obviously she does not understand me or my motivations and I've kind of tuned out the name calling and labeling at this point.
It's a pretty strange relationship we have...I guess it works because I feel like she respects my decisions, even though she may be confused by or defensive towards them. I feel that she will honor whatever I choose to do and in return I just have to deal with her not fully comprehending what it is and let her label me as closed off and willfully ignorant. A little frustrating, granted, but at least I know how she works and thinks and I'm sure I'll be given the space I want for myself and my growing little family.
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