I was going to title this post "I'm a Mama," but I've been a Mama and making parental decisions since I first found out I was pregnant.
It's been a few months since I last posted which has been a combination of sleep deprivation and taking care of the baby and myself.
The birth didn't go as I had "planned" meaning that it would happen at home in a peaceful environment. The midwife kept stressing me out and we had to keep having her leave. After being in labor, with non-stop contractions, for 50 hours, we decided to go to the hospital where they C-sectioned me.
I've been trying to find resources online or locally for Birth Trauma survivors, but so far have only found chapters in Canada and the UK.
It has been a daily struggle for me to function since the birth, but being the strong willed person that I am, I am able to force the autopilot in me to kick in and do the things that I need to take care of my sweet baby.
With the lack of resources here and my faith in the intelligence of Germans again shattered, I am not very motivated to interact with the world outside or to seek their "help." It's something that I am still working on. It is odd but my anger and aggressiveness is better received by the Germans that I interact with, i.e. they are friendlier, than when I am polite. It's a reflection of the character of the culture - this ambivalence about the well-being of the other person and almost being happy about their misery. In my cultural anthropology class from a few years ago, we talked about how a language reflects the people for example there is no word for privacy in Italian. In Italy, it is not rude to stare and people openly talk about other people's lives - it is just part of the culture that everyone's life is everyone's business. What does it say about Germans who have a word for taking joy in another's misery "Schadenfreude." I think the concept of privacy is also new to Germans as it sounds like words they've put together by translating from English. In German it is called "Privatssphäre" lit. private sphere but does not really carry the same meaning of right, i.e. it is my right to have privacy.
I've been toying with the idea of creating my own support group with meetings and activities, but I've really got to have a focus or it will go all over the place and fall apart.
The most devastating part of the whole birth experience was having other people, "experts" tell me that I was ignorant and stupid over and over again when I had actually read and researched extensively and I had to fight to get them to shut up, to let me move my body the way and in the positions that I wanted to, etc. when I didn't want their "assistance" in the first place. The only reason we had a midwife there at all was cosmetic and she was only there to support my husband that is why I hired her, that's it. I feel like half of me has died and I'm desperately trying to find the way out and a way to bring it back to life.
So, that's the reason for the big gap in posts. I wanted to write and make something whole and good by putting together this blog and I didn't want to rant and vent but just provide information. I've worked out for myself that even the bad things need to be posted and spoken about so that pregnant women are prepared for what could happen - the emotional and psychological abuse by the people that are supposed to help - and for those who have gone through similar situations to know that they are not alone.
